Down with the Sickness

(I wrote this about a week ago and only now got around to posting it.)

So... I've been feeling like crap (a nice way of putting it) for the past week and a bit. So, in light of my situation, I have decided to finally reveal my tricks of the trade.

Illness and how to use it: A ROAHSG Special

Let's face it; any illness of any description usually isn't fun. The flu, common cold, whatever, is especially aggravating.

I've had a bunch of these 'colds', and thus, I've racked up much experience in the field of being sick, that is, having a cold.

So, let me share with you how you too can properly take advantage of this double-edged sword that is the Flu.

First things first: Getting It.
(Haha he said 'getting it' GROW UP)

Some of you may think that it's easy getting a cold. But I spend a lot of time wearing very little in the way of a second layer of clothing, even during winter, so you can't just wear a t-shirt and shorts and expect anything, except odd looks from people in the street.

I can't give you much advice on this. The best way to get a cold is to wait for a cold snap (that is, a cold period overnight) or get it from a co-worker/school student.

The 'Cold Snap' business generally happens over winter. In fact, I guarantee it to happen over winter.
When you go to sleep, wear something light and turn electric blankets off.

Making Sure It Doesn't Get Away

So, I assume you woke up with some sort of throat problem or nose problem.
GREAT.
Now, I hope you've got something you can do in a secluded part of the house that's sometimes cold because if you don't do something now, that bastard's gonna slip away. I recommend a computer, because the Internet can keep one entertained for a while.

Arguably, once you have the cold, you've got it. But I like to make sure.
Once that's over with, time to move on to:

The Early Game

The 'Early Game' is the first day or so. Usually, you (or your parents) are trying to get yourself better. Generally, this is futile.
You're already sick, and no amount of anti-cold drops or liquid is going to make that go away.

So, you're screwed. But don't panic; this can work for you if you play your cards right.

The Mid Game

The 'Mid Game' is everything up to a few days before it goes away completely. And this is where you can really put my strategies to work.

STRAT #1: You're going to be mentally unable to do much except menial tasks, due to your fatigue. So, that gives you a chance to a) get others to do your work and b) not do anything (even play games!). But this is OK. Your family/flatmates/whatever probably won't mind/care, just as long as they don't catch your filthy disease.

STRAT #2: Keeping your cold isn't that hard. Simply don't wear too many layers of clothing and keep your chest cold (or un-warm).

STRAT #3: Your nose will, and this can't be avoided, block up. You may be trying to fix it with something from Vicks.

Let me tell you a story.

While I was in bed, I thought about why a nose would be blocked in the first place. Well, I chanced across nose hairs. Makes sense, right? Snot gets caught up in the nose and blocks the entire thing up. Well, I, in my infinite wisdom, to try to pull a few out. (THIS IS STUPID AND EXTREMELY PAINFUL)

Well, I could breathe through my nose, at least once the small concentrated dose of pain had finished (usually 3 to 4 seconds for the initial, six or seven seconds for it to go), if only for a few moments before it closed over again. Still, this can be seen as an acceptable sacrifice.

STRAT #4: Coughing will happen eventually, usually around the 'pre End Game' phase.
You can get the most out of coughing by standing (or lying) straight up (this includes your neck). Doing this will give your cough a gravely sound to it, the kind people take one listen to and go 'that can't be good'.
And that's exactly what you want.

The Pre-End Game

Around this time you'll notice yourself loosing your 'crap' feeling, plus you'll be blowing your nose less often. Nothing I can help you with now, except to use Strat #2 and #4 as often as possible to get the most out of it.

The End Game

That's it. The End Game is the period of time it takes to completely get over the sick period without any attempt to extend it. Once you hit the Pre-End Game mark, it's time to give it up.


So, that's it. After the End Game, you should be ready to start work or school again.
Yaaaaay.
On the plus side, I get to play B: AA again on the good computer (which dad uses for work), and install a few other games (Rainbow 6: Vegas, Timeshift and Halo 2 are on my list. Stay tuned.)