Intermission: Gish (part 2)

Saying Gish is hard is kind of like saying George Bush comes across as a wee bit daft. Or that Microsoft is a tad evil. Or that Captain Price from Modern Warfare 2 "does not have situation under control!"

But even so, the game is still possible. I trudged my way through that cesspool of frustration. I endured the many, many dick moves it pulled throughout each level; I put up with the difficult-to-handle enemies; I withstood all the bosses, killing them only after a good hour of trying to figure out how.

And then the game was over. In fact, it's officially over at level 5-6, or "Church stage, level 6".


No. Do not try to contact me to tell me how you beat it, because you can't. It's impossible. The game is over by then anyway - I'm pretty sure that's the very last boss fight.

Here, you meet Hera. Hera being Gish's ex-girlfriend. She's a blob, just like Gish, and shows just how terrifying she is when she begs Gish to marry her. Which is funny, because she's constantly trying to kill you. And I'm pretty sure you can't marry a dead person, let alone a dead blob of tar.

Anyway, the game ends here because Hera is impossible to kill due to programming, and the dickiest of all dick moves is pulled on the final level.

You've got to grab a block of stone and very expertly punt it up to the upper level. Why? So it can hold down the button you need to hold down so you can A) rescue the love interest and B) kill the crazy b!*@# who wants your blobby hand in marriage and is trying to kill you at the same time.

Here's the problem, though: Hera can easily kill you. all she needs to do is crush your tar like body with her... whatever the hell she's made out of. It's like a light grey/white colour, and a few unsavoury things come to mind when asked to think of anything that colour.

Anyway, you can't kill Hera because she goes into heavy mode whenever you touch her. In Heavy, you can't be crushed unless something with an anomalous amount of pressure is being pressed onto you. Thus, Hera = invincible.

As I've mentioned earlier, you need to grab a bit of stone and 'punt' it up to the level above. Only problem is getting Hera off you for long enough to do that, which is near to impossible. Once she is on you, it's all over because you have to be out of Heavy mode to build up enough of a bounce to launch the block of stone. Unfortunately, no Heavy mode = able to be crushed, and crush you she will.

The conditions of getting that block of stone up to the second level have to be absolutely perfect, and I can guarantee they won't be. And even if they are you only have one shot at getting said block of stone up the level before Hera finds you and screws everything up, and that's too much of an unreasonable goal.

I don't know. Maybe the designers intended this to be impossible. Maybe they intended it so only two or three people could possibly finish the (presumably) final boss fight, most of which would be sheer luck.
But for everyone else, game ends at the last boss fight.


By now, you may be wondering whether or not to even consider looking at the game. Well, personally, I think getting the game is worth it. Yeah, the last stage isn't worth the time and blood pressure, but the rest of the game, while making the level 3 times more difficult than it should be, is still possible to get through. After all, I did them. Took me a while, but I eventually got through them.

If you don't mind never seeing the conclusion to Gish's tale, go right ahead and download that sucker. If you like to see a game reach closure, with out hero rescuing his girlfriend from the pit of lava she's about to be dunked in, Gish will disappoint.

Oh yeah, and what the hell is with the "level editor", guys? Didn't even package a readme to explain what you're supposed to do.