[Game Review] Game Dogs: Satan's Retrievers

I hate you, Chet. Whoever the hell you are, I loathe you.

I will find you, Chet. One day.

Sleep with your eyes open.

*ahem*

Game Dogs: Satan's Retrievers is not fun. It's the most mind-numbingly boring "game" (and I use that word loosely) I've ever played.

It's an insult, that's what it is. No thought went into this... this thing (I'm sure as hell not calling it a game).

The story is you are a dog/goat/muscle-y armed thing with equipped with a pistol and a minigun. Your goal is...
Is...
Well, it never really tells you. The actual goal of the game is to reach 666 kills. After that, you win. I'll get to that later.

You're on a street. Most of your enemies come from behind you, off screen, where they run in front of you into your field of killing. Other enemies include a two man team of pig cops (oh ho, very clever) and, at some point, a swat team of dogs armed with Riot Shields.

Those guys are your only real problem (there's about 8 of them, and if they get you in melee range you're screwed).
I never saw them again. I killed all of them with the minigun (using the pistol is a good way to lose the g-, sorry, time-sink very quickly), and then went back to shooting excrementally stupid dog civilians and equally stupid pig cops.

The pistol has about 8 bullets, doesn't do much damage and it takes about a second or two to reload. The minigun has a ton of bullets, way more damage and an instant reload, and not to mention you have infinite ammo, so the game has already been broken before you even start.

So, you walk down the street, mowing down these dogs and pigs. Then, I said "Screw it! I'm just going to walk and hold down the mouse button".
I ran into some cops who I managed not to kill. They very slowly pulled out their guns and shot at me.
Damn! I lost some health. Maybe I'll be somehow penalized later on.

But I looked back up to the top left side of the screen and found that my health had regenerated.

This... thing is unbeleivable. There's very easy, there's games made for your mum, than there's Satan's Retrievers. So long as you don't let the cops finish pulling their guns out painstakingly slowly, you'll be fine.

The only "boss fight" is at the very beginning of the game, where you get hit by a swarm of SWAT dogs and a few backup pig cops. And even then all you need is the minigun to mow them all down, then it's onto the rest of SR - hold D, stop, hold left mouse button, repeat.

So after you've wasted your time... "playing" this, you finally get six hundred and sixty six kills.

Then the game says (and this is the biggest insult of all) "That was just a trial version! To play the full game, please give us $50 in American currency."

My thoughts, in chronological order. (Note: I didn't immediately register the "buy full game plz" thing in front of me.)
- That's it? No boss fight? Nothing?
- That was a huge waste of my time.
- Hang on, new thing.
- ...How much?

It wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't even mentioned the full game, but they did. They had to say this was "only a taste" of what the full game is.

I barely remember, but I think the gameplay is largly the same. The screenshot looked identical to whatever just sucked away time I could have spent doing something, anything, else.

That pissed me the hell off. How dare these guys charge $49.95 American when Penumbra: Overture (an actual game) is almost half that?* (*Over Steam, that is.)

They have the audacity to even call their... thing a "game", and whats worse they're going to make people pay for it.

In my honest opinion, somebody needs to make space for this game in a New Mexico landfill, right next to E.T.
Where it belongs.

(Go here for Part 2 [How they could have made it better])